The Immigration and Checkpoints Authority has officially announced that the Woodlands Train Checkpoint will henceforth operate as a live-action museum of 1970s bureaucratic stagnation.

Commuters seeking the adrenaline rush of waiting four hours for a thirty-minute journey can now enjoy the authentic scent of vintage diesel fumes and humidity-induced misery.

ICA officials confirmed that the manual passport stamping process is intentionally kept at a tectonic pace to prepare Singaporeans for the slow embrace of death.

“Wah lau, the queue move slower than my grandmother, but at least I can finish one whole Netflix series before I reach the counter,” said regular commuter, Jerry Low.

Authorities remind travellers that any display of efficiency will be considered a breach of the station’s "retro-poverty" aesthetic and may result in immediate deportation to Tuas.