The Land Transport Authority has officially outsourced trail management to the MacRitchie macaque population.

These furry fascists are now legally permitted to perform full-body cavity searches for illicit plastic bags.

Commuters are warned that failure to provide a sacrificial granola bar will result in immediate facial reconstruction.

“Siao eh, the monkey grab my 100-plus then give me high-five with its teeth,” said hiker Ah Huat.

LTA officials claim the primates have a higher IQ than current station staff and work for significantly cheaper peanuts.

“I tell him I no more bread, he straight away call his gang to whack me, sibei scary!” added Huat.

Singaporeans are reminded that biting back is strictly prohibited under the Wild Animals and Birds Act.