The Singapore Armed Forces has officially integrated the Sunday night 2359 MRT scramble into its elite combat fitness curriculum.

Thousands of recruits, smelling like a potent cocktail of industrial-grade Febreze and unwashed despair, were seen performing Olympic-level hurdles over elderly commuters at Pasir Ris.

“Eh, you see that botak? He run faster than my Encik’s grandmother during gold-standard IPPT,” remarked one terrified civilian witness.

Commanders noted that the existential dread of being ‘AWOL’ or getting ‘seven extras’ provides more adrenaline than any live-firing exercise ever could.

“Liddat is how we defend the country, lor—chasing after one bus like your life depends on it because Grab surge $80 already, KNN,” screamed Corporal Tan while suffocating in a crowded cabin.

MINDEF confirmed the tactical ‘smell of misery’ emitted by damp No. 4 uniforms effectively repels all foreign invaders and civilian women within a five-metre radius.

The last train remains the only place where a ‘man-down’ is ignored in favour of securing a seat.