The National Parks Board has officially surrendered Bukit Timah to a coalition of macaques armed with stolen trekking poles.

Intelligence suggests the alpha males have moved from petty snatch-theft to a sophisticated protection racket involving high-interest fruit loans.

"Wa lau, I just want to hike nia, then one monkey come and ask me for road tax," complained hiker Lim Ah Seng.

"He show me teeth and point at my bag, so I give him my whole salad lor, sibeh sian," he added.

Authorities advise visitors to avoid eye contact unless prepared to negotiate a free-trade agreement with a creature scratching its testicles with an iPhone.

"The gahmen say 'Green Plan', but these monkeys already take over and start charging ERP," said another terrified witness.

Scientists confirm macaques have evolved faster than the MRT, now preferring Prada bags over plastic for their superior aesthetic value.